Coping with the loss of a baby

Grief is never easy, but losing a baby can be incredibly hard. Whether it’s through miscarriage or stillbirth, the emotions that come with this kind of loss can be intense and isolating. While there’s no shortcut to getting through grief, understanding how baby loss can affect your mental health, and the signs to look out for, can help you to take care of yourself during this difficult time.  

How you might feel after losing a baby

You might not have had the opportunity to meet or get to know your baby, but that doesn’t mean that you’re not entitled to feel grief. No matter how far along you were, you’d probably imagined what your baby would be like and started making plans for your future as a family. When that’s taken away from you, it can be really hard to come to terms with.

Everyone copes with grief differently; it’s a personal experience and there’s no right or wrong way to feel. Some people find that grief hits them immediately, but others feel more detached and it takes a while to feel anything. Remember, there’s no time limit on grief; your feelings might never truly go away, but they should become easier to manage.  

After a loss, the person who carried the baby will have changing hormone levels, which can have a big impact on their mood. However, there’s some specific feelings that come with baby loss, which can be felt by both parents. Here are some of the emotions that you might be feeling…

• Guilt: It’s not uncommon to blame yourself for the loss of your baby, especially if you’re the person who was pregnant. You might wonder if you did something ‘wrong’, but it’s important to remember that it’s very rare for the loss of a baby to be linked to something that’s in your control. You’re not a failure and you’ve not let anybody down, including your baby.

• Anger: This is a normal part of the grieving process. The loss of a baby can feel so unfair and you might find yourself asking ‘why me?’. This can lead you to feeling frustrated with the doctors, your family or your friends, especially if they say the wrong thing or don’t seem to understand what you’re going through.

• Lonely: If you lost your baby before you told your family and friends that you were expecting, you might feel as if you’re going through this on your own. And, even if the people in your life did know, it can still feel like they don’t understand how you’re feeling, which can be isolating.

• Empty: Your loss might leave you feeling emotionally and physically empty. It can feel like there’s a huge gap in your life and that nothing seems to matter any more.

• Jealous: It can be hard to be around pregnant people or people with young children, especially to start with. We’re often told that jealousy is a ‘bad’ emotion, but under these circumstances, it’s completely natural. You’re being faced with a physical reminder of what you’ve lost which is really hard, so if you need to avoid certain people while everything’s still raw, that’s okay.  

How baby loss can affect your mental health

Because grief comes with so many difficult emotions, it’s not always easy to figure out if how you’re feeling is a normal part of the grieving process, or something more. Going through baby loss can lead to mental health problems for both partners, so it’s a good idea to get to know the symptoms of some of the more common issues so that you know what to look out for.  

Depression:

• Having a sense of looming danger, panic or doom

• Trouble thinking, concentrating, making decisions and remembering things

• Feelings of worthlessness or guilt; fixating on past failures or self-blaming

• Feelings of sadness, tearfulness, emptiness or hopelessness

• Being unable to enjoy leisure time, such as time off work, holidays, hanging out with friends, hobbies or sex  

• Angry outbursts, irritability or frustration, even over small things

• Physical symptoms like fatigue, trouble sleeping, tiredness and lack of energy, low sex drive, digestive problems, aches and pains

Find out more about depression and the symptoms here.

Anxiety:

• Feeling like you can’t stop worrying, or that bad things will happen if you stop worrying

• Feeling tense, nervous or unable to relax  

• Having a sense of looming danger, panic or doom

• Avoiding everyday situations that trigger anxiety

• Being unable to enjoy leisure time, such as time off work, holidays or hanging out with friends

• Physical symptoms, like shallow breathing, a racing heart, sweating, muscle tension and feeling sick or dizzy

Find out more about anxiety and the symptoms here.

Post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)

• Shame or guilt

• Reliving aspects of the traumatic event via recurrent, unwanted flashbacks

• Upsetting dreams or nightmares about what happened

• Being easily startled or frightened

• Avoiding places, activities or people that remind you of the traumatic event

• Physical symptoms like nausea, trembling, pain, sweating, hyperarousal, feeling physically numb or detached from your body

Find out more about PTSD and the symptoms here.

How to support yourself through baby loss

• Mark your loss  

Doing something to mark the loss of your baby can help you to feel connected to them and keep their memory alive. You could plant a tree to remember them, write them a letter, or create a memory box with your ultrasound photos and any other momentos.

• Talk to your partner or someone you trust

Because grief is different for everyone, it might be that your partner is having a different experience to you, but that doesn’t mean that they aren’t feeling the loss too. It’s important to keep talking so that you can understand what the other person is going through and support each other.  

It can also be helpful to talk to an understanding friend or family member about what you’re going through. You might want to let the other person know what you need from them first, for instance, a listening ear, advice or help with something practical.  

• Be kind to yourself  

You’re already going through something difficult, so treat yourself with kindness. Give yourself as much time as you need to process your feelings, don’t get caught up in thoughts where you blame yourself for what’s happened and say no to things that feel too much right now. Listen to your body and do what’s best for you.  

• Get support if you need it

If you’re struggling with your mental health, it’s important to get help from a professional, sooner rather than later. You can make an appointment with your GP, who will refer you to a mental health service, or if you don’t want to wait, you can refer yourself to ieso’s online therapy service.

At ieso, we offer online cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), which is an effective treatment for a range of mental health issues, including anxiety, depression and PTSD. We offer typed therapy and video calls in some areas, so you can join sessions from the comfort of your own home. Appointment times are flexible and designed to fit around you. Find out more about what we do.

Helpful resources for baby loss:

‍

Tommy’s pregnancy and baby charity

Sands baby bereavement charity

The Miscarriage Association

https://ectopic.org.uk/