Protecting your mental health when preparing to come out to your family

Making the decision to come out to your family can be nerve wracking. Even if your loved ones are supportive and open minded, it still takes courage to open up and be vulnerable.

In the lead up to the conversation, you might feel a mix of emotions (stress, worry and fear to name a few), so it’s important to prioritise your mental health and support yourself, both before and after you come out.

Remember, no matter how your family reacts, you deserve to live life as your true authentic self.

Anxiety around coming out

It’s natural to feel anxious about telling your family that you’re gay, lesbian, bisexual, pansexual, asexual, transgender, non-binary or queer. We all want to be accepted by our loved ones, and the thought that we might not be can be really scary.

Anxiety can manifest in different ways. You might get physical symptoms, like rapid breathing, a thumping heart, stomach issues or trembling, or mental symptoms, like overthinking, excessive worrying and agonising over what might happen. Read more about the symptoms of anxiety here.

It can be useful to know the signs of anxiety so that you can recognise when you’re struggling and take steps to support yourself.

How to cope with anxious feelings

●      Don’t block anxiety out. Ignoring your feelings can actually make them worse, so it’s better to address and examine them. Ask yourself what the source of your anxiety is; what are you afraid of? The more that you understand about your anxiety, the more in control you’ll feel of it.

●      If you feel ready to come out to your family (and it’s safe to do so), try not to put the conversation off for too long. It can be tempting to avoid things that make us feel stressed, but the more that you procrastinate, the more you’ll prolong your anxiety.

●      Prepare yourself by making a plan of how you’re going to come out. Decide how you’d feel most comfortable telling people. Think about what you’re going to say in advance and consider what to do if your family reacts badly. We’ve written more about this below.

●      Do things that make you feel relaxed and positive - that could be going outside for fresh air, exercising, hobbies or spending time with people who support you for who you are.

Planning to come out to your family

Coming out is a very personal decision and there’s no right or wrong way to do it. However, making a plan can help you to feel more prepared, which might ease some of your anxiety.

Here are some things to think about:

●      How to approach the conversation

First, think about how you’d feel most comfortable having the conversation. Would you rather that it was in-person, over the phone or by text? Maybe you’d like to write them a letter before you talk to them.

Then, think about the best time and place to chat. What time of day will both you and your family be free to have a proper conversation (AKA after work or school)? If you want to speak face-to-face, would you rather be at home or somewhere more public?

Remember, there’s no single perfect way to come out, sometimes it happens spontaneously and that’s okay too.

●      What to say

It can be helpful to make a plan of what you want to say to your family - you could write it down or practice with someone you trust first.

Before you have the conversation, you could pre-warn them that you want to talk about something that’s important to you, so that they’re in the right headspace.

How you come out is entirely up to you, but here are some tips that might be useful:

-       Ask for what you need (“This is hard for me tosay, so please let me speak”)

-       Tell them how you’re feeling (“I’ve been afraid to tell you because… but I want to be honest”)

-       Speak your truth (“I’m gay, lesbian, bisexual, pansexual, asexual, transgender, non-binary, queer”)

●      Prepare for different reactions

Based on what you know about your family, you might be able to predict their reactions. However, it’s still a good idea to prepare yourself for a range of emotions. Some people might be supportive and accepting, whereas some might be surprised, confused or angry.

Remember, if their initial reaction isn’t positive, this doesn’t mean that they won’t change their mind once they’ve had time to process what you’ve told them.

●      Make an exit plan

In case the situation gets uncomfortable or upsetting for you, it’s a good idea to have an exit plan ready. Here are someways to end the conversation:

●      “I don’t want to talk about this any more now, but I wanted to be honest with you.”

●      “I can see that you need some time to process, so let’s take a break from this conversation for now.”

It can also help to have a friend on standby to give you support, whether that’s over the phone or in-person.

If things don’t go as you’d hoped…

It can be really difficult and disappointing when you’re left feeling unsupported or unaccepted by your loved ones. In this scenario, it’s important that you take care of yourself and put your physical and mental wellbeing first.

Practice self-care by doing things that make you feel relaxed and positive - that could be going outside for fresh air, exercising, hobbies or spending time with people who support you for who you are.

Self-care can also look like setting boundaries with people. If your family is disrespecting you or making you feel bad about yourself, you’re allowed to reduce or pause communication with them for however long you need.

Helpful resources to know:

●      LGBT Foundation is an LGBTQ+ charity focused on health and wellbeing.

●      Switchboard is a national LGBTQ+ support line.

●      Mermaids supports transgender, non-binary and gender diverse people and their families.

●      MindOut is a LGBTQ+ charity with an online chat support service.

At ieso, we offer typed cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) for a range of mental health disorders, including anxiety and depression. Patients can speak to a therapist online by typing back and forward, or we can offer video calls in some locations. Our service is non-judgemental and accepting of everyone. Find out more about what we do.