What to do if you think you have an anger problem

So, you’ve been feeling angry and you’re not sure if the way you’re behaving is normal. The reality is that we all snap sometimes, but if you find yourself losing your temper often, feeling ashamed of how you act when you’re angry or your anger is hurting your relationships, it could be time to ask yourself if you have a problem.  

Signs of an anger problem

Can you relate to the following statements? If these sound like you, it could be a sign that you have an anger issue.  

• You feel angry a lot of the time

• You don’t feel in control of your anger

• You overreact to small problems or inconveniences

• Your anger is impacting your relationships or your work

• You often regret the things you do or say in anger

• Your anger is having a negative impact on your mental health

• You are verbally or physically abusive to others

• Your anger scares the people around you

• You’re using drugs or alcohol to cope with your anger

Different kinds of anger problems

Not everyone deals with anger in the same way and anger issues can vary from person to person. Here are some of the ways they can show up:

• Outward aggression: This could mean shouting, swearing, breaking things, threatening others, or being physically or verbally abusive.

• Inward aggression: This is where you take your anger out on yourself. You might deny yourself your basic needs, such as food, talk to yourself negatively, isolate yourself from others or self-harm.

• Passive aggression: This could mean giving people the silent treatment, making unkind comments, being sarcastic or talking down to people.  

How can anger impact relationships?

Anger issues can seriously harm our relationships. We all know what it’s like when we’re angry; we have less patience, which means that we’re more likely to snap at people, dismiss them and criticise them. This means that small disagreements can quickly escalate into full-blow arguments.

The more that this happens, the more likely that people are to start walking on eggshells around us, where they stop telling us how they’re really feeling in order to keep the peace. This creates distance within our relationships, and if these problems aren’t dealt with, we might start to push people away and lose them from our lives.  

If you’re in a relationship with someone who is making you feel unsafe, there is help available.  Refuge have a helpline for women experiencing domestic abuse and Men’s Advice has one for men. In an emergency, always call 999.

Why am I angry?

There are lots of different reasons why you might be struggling with anger. If angry outbursts were normal in your family and you grew up watching a family member acting aggressively (outwardly and/or passively), you might not have realised that your behaviour is a problem until now.

Sometimes, anger can be to do with your current circumstances, for instance, are you stressed or going through something difficult, like grief, breakup or discrimination? When we’ve got a lot on our mind, it can be harder to manage our emotions in a healthy way.

Anger can be rooted in our past experiences. A difficult childhood, being bullied or surviving a traumatic event can all leave an emotional scar that sticks around. So, when something in the present triggers an uncomfortable memory or feeling, it brings up all that anger we feel about what happened in the past.

Anger can also be a result of a physical or mental health problem. Our hormones can cause us to feel angry; many women experience this around the time of their period or in the lead up to and during menopause. Illnesses that cause pain can affect our mood and make us short tempered too.

Anger can be a symptom of multiple mental health issues, including depression, anxiety and post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) to name a few.  

Why anger can be hard to talk about

There can be stigma around anger issues, which can put people off getting help. Anger tends to be labelled as a ‘bad’ thing, which means that someone who’s experiencing an anger problem might be too ashamed to admit it. Remember that anger is a natural human emotion and it’s how you respond to it that matters.  

There’s nothing embarrassing about asking for help with an anger issue or a mental health issue - if anything it’s a really brave thing to do and you should be proud of yourself for taking this step.

Managing angry feelings

• Learn your triggers

Knowing what is going to make you angry can help you to anticipate and avoid the kind of situations and conversations that might make your temper flare. We’ve written more about understanding triggers here.

• Learn relaxation techniques  

When you’re feeling angry, try to calm down by using relaxation techniques. Different things work for different people, but you could try:

• Breathing in slowly and deeply through your nose, then breathing out slowly and deeply through your mouth. It can be helpful to count from 1-5 on each breath.

• Focusing on different parts of your body, tense then relax your muscles.

• Using mindfulness to ground yourself. Tune into your senses and focus on what you can see, smell, hear, feel and taste.

• Leave the situation  

If you can feel your temper rising, leave the situation to let yourself cool down. You could go for a walk or do some exercise to use up your energy.  

• Take good care of your mental and physical health

Feeling stressed or burnt out means that we’re more likely to lose our temper, so it’s important that we try to stop this from happening. Things like getting plenty of sleep, eating healthy meals, moving our bodies and taking time for ourselves can all make a huge difference to our stress levels and sense of wellbeing.

• Talk to someone you trust  

Talk to someone you trust about how you’ve been feeling and your concerns. There’s a good feeling that comes from getting things out in the open, and it can help you to work through your thoughts and calm down.

• Seek professional help  

If you’re struggling to keep your anger in check, it’s a good idea to speak to your GP about how you’ve been feeling. The NHS has free anger management programmes that you can take part in, which often involve talking therapy.  

Your GP might also recommend talking therapy if your anger is a symptom of a mental health issue. At ieso, we offer cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) to treat mental health disorders, like depression, anxiety and PTSD. Our service is entirely online and sessions are flexible to fit around you. You can refer yourself and get started here.